"Quick question, does anyone here actually like Tennis?"

For everyone offended by the question above, don't be. I wasn't making a joke at the expense of you're unnatural enjoyment for boring sports, I was asking in complete legitimacy, as in order for me to start playing Gold Slam again, I'm going to need to ask you a few questions. Actually, thinking on it more I don't even know if that would do any good. The reality is that even if you were a Tennis junky, and you did know the difference between a Slice, Splice, Volley, Backhand Lob, and mid air loop-de-loop you would undoubtedly still have a rough time getting the hang of Gold Slam. The reason for this boils down to two things, the Tutorial and the Controls. Now I've been told recently that my long-winded intro's can be a bit much to handle, so lets do things differently for a change and jump right into it.

Half-Asian, Non-English speaking Tennis Coach says what?
Put simply, the Tutorial in Gold Slam is a nightmare. The layout is very simple, your Tennis Coach will give you 5 simple tasks, and once you've completed them you'll be ready to take on the world at the Tennis Championships. The catch is that you're coach can't really speak any English, and as a result you'll only be given half of the instructions for these 5 tasks (left to fill the gaps on your own). As for the pieces of information that you do manage to squeeze out of the tight bastard, it's conveniently coded in Engrish and less useful to you than the parts that are missing. "Hit smash when ball is head." Yeah, I'll get right on it.

Naturally, without actually knowing what you need to do in these Tutorial missions they quickly get frustrating. Add to that a hugely annoying bug that involves crashing the game whenever you [Alt] + [Tab], forcing you to start over every time you forget and try to take a screenshot – and you have a recipe for broken keyboards. Fear not, if you do manage to survive the Tutorial with your keyboard intact, then being thrusted headfirst into the world championships 20 seconds later ought to do the trick.



Tennis Ball + Keyboard = Broken keyboard.
Try to imagine playing a professional game of Tennis with Pat Rafter, using a PC Keyboard as a Tennis Racket. Sounds hard right? Well, playing Gold Slam and winning is a hell of a lot harder (How do I know this? Just trust me…), and as such I truly commend the players that whooped me sideways last night because I couldn't for the life of me get the hang of it. It wasn't so much the positioning of the keys, (move with the arrow keys and swing using a combination of W,A,S,D and arrow key directions)  as  it was the lack of explanation in the Tutorial and remembering what key combination does what that made actually playing Gold Slam such an irritating experience. After playing several games I learned that using a combination of [D], [UP], and [LEFT] would occasionally give me a cool Slice off to the side – but aside from that it was [UP] and [A] all the way.

Easy on the eyes.
The one thing Gold Slam did get right is the look. The graphics really are superb, and the locations (Australian Stadium!) are great. You'll be playing anywhere from resorts in Bali to the backstreets of Shanghai and you'll probably spend more time looking at the scenery then you will the game. The character models look fantastic too, but seeing as you're only given 4 choices of players to begin with, you'll be looking at the same ones for quite some time – yet another massive letdown for the Gold Slam Beta.

Which hat to wear today?
If I knew anything at all about Tennis - which I don’t; then I’d probably say that it was all about the hats. Yes, hats were indeed created for playing Tennis and as such you’ll have a lovely variety to choose from in Gold Slam. Of course by lovely, I actually mean pitiful - I found one, and I wasn’t even allowed to spend my hard earned GP (Gold Slam currency) on it because I wasn’t a high enough level! Since when did I need a level to wear a hat? Since now apparently. You’ll also find a bland selection of shoes, tees, sunglasses and wristbands in the GP shop, but if you’re anything like me then you wont be buying any because you’re not good enough at the smacking of yellow balls.

Let the ceremonial whacking of the yellow balls begin!
Okay, so I've covered just about everything, all that's left now is the game *snicker*. Even I'll happily admit that once you figure out a couple of ways to hit the ball the game isn't half bad. Sticking true to the real life aspects there are three different game modes - Singles, Doubles and Tag. Doubles is undoubtedly the most fun of the three but knowing just how terrible I was at playing; I stopped soon after out of respect for the poor sap stuck on a team with me.

Finding a game was a breeze, as they use a simple room based lobby system. I found the easiest way to get a game was to host one, I usually didn't even have enough time to pick a map as another player with 47 thousand wins had popped up with the same character as me (The burly, bleach-blonde haired, aboriginal looking Australian guy of course) and was eagerly waiting to whoop me into next week.

Once you get the hang of it though, its not a bad bit of fun. You hit balls at people, then laugh at them when they miss, it’s what tennis was created for I suppose. Unfortunately it doesn’t take long before you start to notice the lag effect, which in a game such as this is a killer, and then all that’s left is for you to come to the realisation that you’re playing a game of Tennis - and to stop.


In summary, this review will end in the same way as it began, and with the same question - Does anyone here actually like Tennis? If you do like Tennis, and you’re willing to put in a good bit of time practicing and translating the ramblings of Asian Tennis Coaches then Gold Slam could be everything you’re looking for and more. On the other hand, if you’re not a Tennis fan then think of this game like as you would Hip Hop music, and save yourself the download.