So your mom won’t stop pestering you about shutting down your system, taking a shower, and getting a real job but you don’t want to slave for peanuts at the local sweatshop doing something you hate while dreaming about your poor abandoned box back home.  Don’t worry, we’ve all been there—heck, I’m still there, and I’m 30 years old and married!  You need cash but can’t bear the thought of losing your gamer cred so what can you possibly do?  Never fear!  I’ve compiled a list of the six best jobs for gamers and if you can’t find something that works for you on this list . . . keep looking.

1) Flip Burgers

Don’t knock it!  Fast food service equipment has come a long way since the seventies.  Nowadays, if you work at McD’s you get to wear a cool headset all day and shout into the microphone just like you do on Xbox live.  To top it off, some of the drink machines are automated and all you have to do is push buttons and watch the cups roll around on a mechanized track!  Wow, and your mom said all those hours of dropping tangos with your buddies in Rainbow Six was a waste of time!  Who knows, maybe the president will roll up to the drive through and ask you to suit up if the country goes to Def Con 2.  He knows you’ve got the skills because big brother’s been watching your gamertag.

2) Valet

Yeah those are the dorky dudes in the nasty red jackets that park people’s cars at fancy restaurants and the like.  Sounds boring right?  Dude, somebody just hands you the keys to their car, their expensive car, and leaves you alone with their pride and joy.  Tony had to break out the can of whoopass and kick people in the teeth to get their cars!  Sure you’re only driving from the entrance to the parking garage/lot but that should be okay—those years of gaming should have eaten away your long term memory and attention span by now.  Just remember real world cops are a whole lot smarter and less tolerant than there Liberty City compatriots.

3) Crime Scene Technician

You’ve honed your skills investigating every nook and cranny in dozens of “action adventure” games and really know how to get “the good stuff” by applying just the right amount of verbal pressure on a “perp” thanks to having tested every branch of every dialogue tree ever made from Indigo Prophecy to Mass Effect.  You’d be a shoe in for a crime scene investigator and you wouldn’t even need any of that fancy gear (well maybe the flashlight that makes everything luminesce.)  But hone your pistol skills because you know eventually every mystery—no matter how mundane and innocuous—ends in a chase/verbal altercation/gunfight/fistfight and finally an ambiguous death to ensure the “bad guy” can come back for the sequel.





4) Mayor/President/Emperor

Yeah it’s been a while since you built Sim City from the ground up but you’ve kept your political skills, budgetary prowess, and diplomatic wits sharp with the Civilization series, and the Total War games.  You definitely know what it takes to grease the wheels of progress and know that the world would be a much better place if only we’d all place our trust in you.  In no time, I’m sure you have every country in the world united to end pollution, solve the hunger problem, and wipe infectious disease from the face of the Earth.  If not, you’re defiantly a capable general and could easily amass an army of unprecedented proportions (although all the units look disturbingly similar) and vanquishing your foes.

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