* Please note now that reading past this point you are forwarned that this whole post isn't very postive, matter of fact its preety negitive. If your the type of person who gose though life and thinks everything is flowers and bight and sunny and do not like reading stuff that complains or rants or even sobs about things you might want to skip this and read another blog writing. Don't say I didn't warn you. *

 Well not really sure how I will start this off and I personaly ( as with alot of my writing and talking ) can't guarrenty it'll stay on one topic for long and will posibly very out  going from one to another of writings and the such. As of late right now I have had way to much time to think and think about things and how life is for me and whatnot, very bad too casue I personaly ( even though I am fully aware people in the world suffer worse ) am not happy with things and how things went with my life. If I had to sum up it in a nut shell I feel that I honesly would rank into the waste of space and that I feel I was put around to make people feel better at the fact that they dont fail as bad as I do. Whats funny also is you right now are probly thinking I am writing this out to get everyone to feel sorry for me, well there is a point I learned first hand to this day in having life that feels to fail so in ways you honesly stop wanting anyone to feel sorry for you, you personaly just cant feel anymore past the point of it really affecting you in any way anymore. Sad part is once you hit this point though even the fun things lose all its meaning and everything in life feels just like its being wasted on yourself just by being here. I used to get alot of fun outta games and alot of time to not think how bad things were going and not having the means or ways to make them better of even stop them. Then it seems that games got to a point to just be a reminder of all the negativaty in life and the whole escape isn't even gettable anylonger, worst of all being a person who plays charaters in online games thats the opposite of my real gender, I gotten alot of backlash from people and I tend to personaly let them run over me casue I just didn't see a point to really make much arguments on it so it was ussaly just hit the ignore button and keep going on my way.

 Whats really funny also is how people are very quick to just make some crap up of why you would like play a gender of a charater of the opposite sex as yourself as to you wanting to be that sex type or gay or well you probly know all the names and such and ideas, but I have never had one person accualy try to really get my viewpoint on it. See other than preferance, most people as you see try to say they try to make themselfs in games to feel apart of it or for whatever reasons, truth is most of these people accualy like who they are, seeing I hate myself more than anyone in the world I think to myself why would I put myself in this game, I am ugly, have problems, can't work, and not the fittest of people and even though I want to change my fitness issues you try having a mass of my life is worthless depressions minuse the whole suicidal problem and see how much spark you can muster up to even do most of the basics of things. Heck even me playing games is going down hill becasue of the lack of will to do stuff. But on a note also in games I played when I make a charater I make a charater someone that in no way is me at all, jsut someone to play out a story, someone of fiction, personaly in most games with all the killing and stuff if I even made a charater in that game I would be totaly of no use casue if I personaly was playing it as me I wouldn't want to hurt nor the less kill anyone or thing. As of a while now though I have lost all enjoyment in anything in life includeing games, as a result I spend more time just around thinking of how all I am doing is waiting for the time on my life to expire like everyone else in the world has weather it be tomarrow, the day after, a month from now  or a year, heck might even live a whole miserable 20 to 40 more years who knows from day to day and how long one life is.

 I guess though in a sense it all wasn't too bad I did have a whole 4 years I accualy felt good about myself and was happy but after what happened I guess the depression and misery I had myself in came back harsher and more abundund then it was before. Reguardless though I do not blame anyone for my failed life or it going the way it did becasue I pesonaly beleave it was all my fauilt and noone else is to blame but me, too bad time can not be rewriten though and things to be changable that have already happened, there are tons of things I would do differntly. Now even though everyone around me keeps telling me I can only help myself, I am honesly in a point where I cant even help anyone around me nor even myself, casue no matter what I have done and tryed to make changes and the whatnot things still stay the same and never get better at all, you can only go so many years of fail before you just totaly lose hope. The changes though that could possibly be made I wouldn't even dream of doing becasue I would have to change what kind of person I am and even though I hate myself and my life, if I had to stoop to doing things in otehr ways I personaly would hate myself even more. I personaly beleave in helping others and if you are gonna get somewherse in life it shouldnt be by stepping on others to get there, this whole set of niceness and respectfulness to others is a big casue of why things for me are how they are now. Reguadless though all is said and done and I personaly will just have to wait out how ever long I have left in life to be around, casue I guess one thing to look forward to is after my time in life is up and over with in the physical body, the afterlife for me I am sure will not be even close to how bad things are now, but I have to wait till its my time and can't make it come anyfaster ( becasue ironicaly enough I am against suicide and even though I do have thoughts this way I personaly would never take my own life even if things get even worse on me it's just how I am. )

 All I have to say to anyone right now is this much, there is nothing wrong with being a nice person just do not let people walk over you. Helping others and giveing is great to do, just know and learn fast when to knwo when you should take and recive for yourself, you can do alot of harm to your self emotonaly if you just give give and give and never look to see what was really comming your way in the first place.

 With all this said right now I personaly am not sure what I will do anymore on the whole games thing, I am personaly feeling a urge to just stop playing alot of games as of the whole last year I been thinking about all this. Casue when everything in life is making you numb and you can't even get any enjoyment out of things like games online and offline alike or even anythign anymore what more is there.

 Now let me repeat myself on this I dont care if you feel this is a whole pitty act, honesly you can just laugh at this if you want to I personaly just don't care enough anymore to hurt about anything right now. All I know is this you can pour your heart out and want to care and help the world, but the truth is its greedy and most of the world will rip your heart out and leave you empty inside with a void that after a while will never be cured of made whole again. So call it emo, call it the " oh poor me " mentality its fine all I know is if yoru happy then its good you don't feel like this casue I honesly wouldnt wish how I feel on even the worse of enemies in the world or anyone ever.

Well ok I am done with what I was writeing out and I did warn you it wasn't gonna be a good read either so don't blame me if you just feel like you wasted your time reading this. Also noteing right now I am not even sure why I am posting this for all of anyone to see it I pesonaly wouldn't know much anymore on things I do I tend to do things as of late that even makes no sense to me, maybe I might be trying to get how I feel out or maybe I am just not really knowing what I am doing it for. Maybe I will figure it out later or maybe one day it all might make sense.