Breaking News, March 2009

Names have been changed to protect those involved.

John was a shy 13 year old boy to begin with, but one day his parents got him a dog.  The dog became his best friend and he started to spend all his time with the animal.  The dog treated him better than people did, and he enjoyed being with it.  But later, all John wanted to do was spend time with and play with the dog when he got home.  His parents were afraid that the child had become addicted to the dog.
 

Mandy, a 14 year old girl, loved her cat.  She had been playing with her cat for the past 5 years.  Over this time, she had seen her cat do many grisly murders as it caught mice and birds.  When she dangled a string in front of the cat, it would evilly attack the string and bite it with viciousness.  This desensitized her to violence and murder and made her think it was okay.  One day she got in a fight at school, and killed a fellow classmate.  This was obviously due to owning a cat, a murdering little animal that teaches kids that murder and violence is nothing.

Chris had watched the discovery channel and seen Tigers stalk their prey many times.  Because of this, he learned that stalking was a normal part of life.  He hid behind bushes and followed a fellow female classmate around.  Luckily he was seen and caught by police before something horrible happened (it is theorized that he would have tackled, killed, and ate her)

Keven was a 15 year old boy who had a number of fish and a pet hamster.  He spent too much of his time watching the fish in the tank, when he could have been out doing something constructive.  His Hamster often bit him.  One day after being bit by his hamster, he killed a group of boys that had been picking on him.  Obviously the rage and unbound violence of being bit by a hamster along with the lack of social time from watching his fish were the causes of this boy committing murder.

Lisa, a 10 year old girl, had a pair of pet birds.  She noticed that when one bird was eating and the other wanted food, it would just go up to the other bird and try to take it from them.  Because of this, she started to think stealing was okay and that she could take whatever she wanted, and started a life of stealing and shoplifting crimes around her neighborhood.

Recently a boy named Reggie went on a school shooting spree, killing 20 and wounding many more.  In looking at his home life, it was found out he had both a dog, a cat, and a hamster.  There is no proof to show he ever was bit by his hamster, or he ever saw his cat kill anything, or even spent much time with the animals, but obviously, he owns these animals so they must be heavily related to the shooting.

Senator Kelly of New Hampshire has written up a new bill to make all Pets MA+ - sold only to adults 18 or older and to fine any pet stores selling animals to those under 18, and to severely punish parents who knowingly let their children either get or have a pet.  She would also like to ban The Discovery Channel, as she puts it's "Just a school of death teaching children horrible values and causing untold violence."

Senator Ridgemond of Texas wants to go a step further, banning pets from being sold or kept all together.  "They have no value in this society." he was quoted as saying at his latest Press Conference.

- End Story

Video Games today, what tomorrow?